A girl with porn addiction

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I won’t ever forget the first youth camp I ever attended. To the discomfort of a shy and anxious girl like me, my youth leader in charge of my small group had brought up the topic of pornography. One of the guys in our group said “I think it’s okay, I don’t see the problem!”

That led to an outburst from the girls in the group.

“Why do guys have to watch porn?”

“You guys should be ashamed of yourselves!”

“It’s such a guy problem!!”

“It’s not just a guy problem”

Everyone turned to me. I started shaking nervously as I continued, “Girls also have the problem.”

All the girls were outraged. “Yes, it is!! Only guys watch porn!”

“I watched porn.”

There was a very uncomfortable silence, as all the girls awkwardly turned to each other, pretending like they hadn’t heard me.

I used to have porn addiction. But I struggled greatly with this because no one spoke about women with porn addiction in the Church. For a long time I believed that there was something completely wrong with me, because it was a “known fact” that porn was a “guy’s problem”.

I thought, “I must be the only girl struggling with this”.

I thought, “I must be a bad person for being weak in this area”.

I thought, “I must not be loveable, even in God’s eyes”.

But these thoughts and worries I had were so untrue!

 

#1 I am not the only girl!

Two years ago and made a really good friend who was always praising me for being such a good Catholic. But one day I stopped her.

“I am not a good Catholic,” I told her. “God is the one who makes me good, but I am not. I used to have porn addiction.”

My friend’s eyes popped open and a smile spread in her face. “So did I! I never told anyone before!”

And that was the very first time I realised I had not been the only one struggling with this issue. Just like my friend, there were probably many other women who were silently battling this addiction, each one of them believing that she is a freak in nature, just like I did; each one of them believing that they were bad for struggling in this area.

But…

 

#2 Being weak doesn’t make me a bad person

We are surrounded by it all over: from 50 Shades of Grey to Honey Birdette signs, pornography is seeping into our ordinary lives. I personally find that when I encounter an inappropriate image in a tabloid or billboard, it triggers me. I start thinking I must be a bad person for being triggered by the exposing images retail companies bombard at me. But one day, as I leafed through “Theology of the Body: made simple” by Fr. Anthony Percy, I came across two sentences that instilled peace in my soul:

“Sexual sins are usually sins of weakness. They are often not sins of malice.”

Porn addiction is not a choice one makes at first out of spite. It is more usual that a person just falls into the addiction by accident. With the easy access we have to the Internet nowadays, it is not uncommon to come across pornography, especially in a society where it is becoming so normalised. That I get triggered does not mean I am a bad person, it just means I am weak. It means I am human.

Which brings me to our last point.

 

#3 God loves me, flaws and all

For years I lived in shame, because I knew how important and sacred purity was in the Catholic faith. But I had so many struggles with impurity, not just with porn addiction, but also in the areas of lust and masturbation. How could God love a girl like me, with such disgusting habits? Someone who has misused the sacred gifts that love and sexuality are? God would never love me like this! But this is not true because, just like the woman who was caught committing adultery, Jesus never condemns us. He does not define us by our mistakes and sins, but He defines us by His love, because He loves us no matter what (Romans 8:38).

 

If you are a woman struggling with lust, masturbation or porn addiction, do not fret. Remember that you are not alone, you are not a bad person for struggling with this weakness and God still love you and sees you as His little girl.

In all honesty, I personally continue to fall every now and then. But as it says in Psalm 73:26:

“My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”

If you ever feel disheartened, if you ever feel defeated by sin, just remember, God gives courage to those who seek Him!

All God asks of you is to PERSEVERE!

6 thoughts on “A girl with porn addiction

  1. Joshua Shea says:

    This was so great to read and I hope women struggling will see it. It’s amazing how many radio or podcast interviews I’ve done about my book and the host honestly believes that it’s like 1 in 1000 women who have porn addiction. Women need to hear your story so they don’t feel alone. Keep sharing!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Rosario says:

      Thank you so much Joshua for the like, comment and follow 🙂 I really appreciate your kind words and affirmation. And yes!!! Will definitely keep sharing 🙂 I believe by sharing my own story it will help other women to realise they are not alone in this struggle, but we can all support each other

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Cynthia says:

    Thank you for courageously sharing your story and shining a light on the truths of porn addiction. Your voice needs to be heard! Blessings to you on your journey to healing and wholeness. xo

    Liked by 1 person

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