The first time I had told myself NO to watching porn I felt a great sense of power. I had the power to make the choices that would lead my life towards the direction I wanted! I have been sober from the masturbation and porn addiction that afflicted me for almost two years, and it is great.
Except for one thing: I still fall short with the vice of lust.
In the past, I had gone through two relationships that were solely focused on physical intimacy. But in 2016, I took it upon myself to turn my life around by taking a yearlong dating fast and rediscover authentic and chaste love. What wonderful things God renewed in me during that whole year! I was living singlehood with fun, joy and purity.
Then, what happened? God brought an amazing man into my life at the end of that year. So far, we have been dating for one year, with its ups and downs. Don’t get me wrong: this is the very first time I am dating a man who has the same values I do when it comes to love and sexuality (to live chastity and purity), the same goal (to lead each other to Heaven) and the same desire (to love each other purely and authentically). But my old vices are coming back to haunt me.
This is the truth: I still struggle with sexual sin!
Once this man and I began a serious relationship I found myself struggling with the same sins I was experiencing in my previous relationships. At the beginning, I was so angry and frustrated with myself. I know better than that!! So, why is it so difficult? It is a struggle because this is my cross to bear for the rest of my life. My difficulties with sexual sin are not going to go away overnight. They are sins I will need to overcome each and every single day.
I prayed to God:
“Take these sexual desires away from me!”
“Remove these sexual thoughts from my mind!”
“God, stop me from wanting to exploit this man!”
But those sexual desires never went away, and I had almost let myself give up.
One day I stopped and asked myself “Why wouldn’t these sexual desires go away?”
Simon Carrington from Fire Up Ministries answered my question when he said the following during one of his talks:
“Sexual desires are a gift from God: a call to give ourselves to one another entirely and wholly.” Simon Carrington from Fire Up Ministries
These desires I have within me are actually good! But because of the way pornography had presented these desires to me I had come to believe that they were a malicious. However, that is not the case. My sexual desires are a call for me to make a gift of self to others.
That is good news, but I had another thought: “How can I make a gift of myself to others when pornography conditioned me to believe that the only thing I have to offer is my body?”
Writer Katrina J. Zeno shares the message of Saint John Paul II’s Theology of the Body: that each and every one of us is a gift. But she also made mention that to come to the realisation that I am a gift, I first must:
- BE AWARE of my self as a gift
- RECEIVE my self as a gift
- POSSESS my self as a gift
And thus, my rediscover diary begins:
I am embarking on a lifelong journey of self-discovery and self-mastery, which I want to document at the end of each month. The reason I want to document this is because I want to share with everyone my vulnerability. I want to be humble and show that I am still human and I am still struggling with issues in regards to sexual sin. That I don’t watch porn anymore doesn’t mean that my recovery stops there. I AM A WOMAN WHO HAD A MASTURBATION, PORN AND SEX ADDICTION.
So, I look to the intercession of the Saints:
Saint John Paul II, intercede for me.
Saint Edith Stein, intercede for me.
Saint Therese of Lisieux, intercede for me.
And, most importantly, for Mother Mary’s intercession, that God may bless me with a pure heart, mind, body and soul, so that I shall let Him dwell in me.
With blessings & love